b3by's realm

It brings me immense joy to create from the heart.
It's also been such a privilege to work with unique individuals that have a distinctive and special vision. Here are some of my favourite works.

Photographer: Justin Wiriadi
2024

Photographer: Louise May Dela Cruz 2025

Photographer: Leon Zhang 2023

Siren 2024
Photographer:Justin Wiriadi

Photographer: Daniel Nathan 2022

Work with me

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b3by's Inspiration

b3by's Mind

WHO IS B3BY?

It's a question that may never be answered.
If I'm being real and vulnerable with you, I've never once had the slightest idea who I was. There are things that I like and things that I don't like, yes. I've never had a problem with distinguishing my likes and dislikes, my prefers or non-prefers.The problem lies in the fact that my likes contradicts itself, that I am a contradiction itself. I like what I hate and I hate what I like. When your prefers and non- prefers creep into a grey area, one might certainly be perplexed.There's a song lyric by IU(Song titled: Twenty three)"Pretend to be a fox, that pretends to be a bear, that pretends to be a fox'
I feel like the lyrics perfectly encapsulates me. (In fact, you should go listen to the whole song if you want to get an inkling of who I am)

IU 23 music video

But essentially, I am made of layers. Layers that cross, overlap and get knotted in the process, to the point where one wouldn’t know where it began or ended.But because of that, there are these masks that I have.With each mask having their own distinctive taste, their very own aura. It makes my life easier distinguishing myself this way.
What one mask might like, the other might hate.Confusing isn’t it?
Since ultimately, they’re all me.But In simpler terms,
b3by is Mei Riddle with a mask.Mei Riddle, is Jadzia with a mask.And Jadzia? who knows, but she's probably one of the many masks too.

The quote "I am a riddle,” comes from the idea that I am an equation that’s yet to be solved.b3by is complex, she surprises even me.She is a concoction of all things that I have loved and adored. From the colour red, to the number 36, she is me from another fantasy world.However, with all the good and beauty that she is made of,
she also personifies all the terrible elements that I resonate with too.She is the side of me that I wish to flaunt but she is also the side of me that I wish to hide.

Then who is Mei Riddle?

Mei, the loudest voice in me.She's probably the closest me, I could ever get to. She's the me when no one’s looking. (Partially, as unfortunately I tend to perform even when by myself. A terrible habit I’m yet to outgrow)Mei likes to paint, she's very crafty.Out of all the masks, she's the one that urges to be an artist the most and has a desperate need to create.
b3by on the other-hand, doesn’t care for making art. If I’m being totally honest, b3by just wants to be a muse, not an artist.Ultimately, Mei is the foundation of it all and a part of me fears saying this, but unfortunately there’s a limited number of soldiers in me. It’s quite easy for life to knock me down and it’s even easier for b3by to want to take revenge on so called life, to handle it all in vicious way.
And in moments like this, I’m so glad that Mei has the loudest voice.
Because she is so filled with love, compassion and patience. When life gets hard, I pass the steering wheel to Mei and give her full trust that she will come out the other side victorious and still full of love.Mei fights for us everyday. She wakes up, gets our to do lists ready and makes sure we don't listen to the mean voices in our heads.Without her, we all crumble.

Name:
Mei Mercy Riddle

Favourite meal: Sushi

[ IDENTIFICATION ]
[.. CARD..]

Soul animal: BUNNY

Favourite colour: Grey & Red (was formerly purple and black)

Favourite animal: Bunny, fish (especially Koi fish!!) Sea bunnies, cats, rats and baby lump fish.

Date of birth: 15th April, Year of the bunny.

Star sign: Aries Sun, Aries Moon, Gemini rising.

Safe places: Aquariums and art galleries

Crawl Back

You've made delicious pancakes!
Click, to throw it at a bunny

To first understand me at my core, you must understand the fundamental elements that make me, me.We will explore my mind through movies, symbolism, colour and all things expressive.

Looking Glass

Muses

Aesthetics

Symbolism

Watch full movie here -The World Of Kanako

The World Of Kanako
(Spoilers ahead!!)

We start with the movie “The world of Kanako” directed by Tetsuya Nakashima.It is a film that investigates human nature. The story is told from the perspective of an ex-cop searching for his missing teenage daughter.
However, despite his heroic investigation, it is revealed that he was a rather abusive father and husband, a pitiful soul, who is desperately trying to reclaim some sense of normalcy in his chaotic life.

Kanako Fujishima: A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

The titular character, Kanako Fujishima, is an enigma for much of the film. Through the eyes of her father and peers, we see many versions of Kanako, none of which seem to wholly capture her essence.The juxtaposition of Kanako's dual image - the innocent schoolgirl and the manipulative femme fatale - keeps the audience engaged, leading them through a labyrinth of conflicting impressions. Her absence, paradoxically, increases her presence, leading us to ask - who truly is Kanako Fujishima?And this is why, “The world of Kanako” is the first film that comes to mind and deserves the number spot on my list of influences.Growing up and watching this film as an unfiltered and quite disturbed teenager, Kanako was a character that I heavily related to.
Crawling through a meaningless life, doing things to feel something, to escape this constant feeling of numbness. I was in a constant state of experimenting with my limits, doing things to fill this gaping whole within me.
I never did reach Kanako’s level of malice and sadomasochism, not even close.
(Don't be alarmed guys! I'm sane, kind of.... mosty.)
However, I do admit that I might have hurt a few people along the way. Through the journey of teenage-hood, I acknowledge that I had been inconsiderate, unsympathetic and downright unremorseful during those times. However, unlike Kanako, who ends up accepting her numbness and acting upon them furthermore, I on the other hand, fell in love and there birthed my real existence.Near the end of the film, Kanako murders a boy who is in love with her for the sake that she can. Before he dies, she admits that she's dreaming.
He replies, "I don't get it. What dream? Was the dream to draw me in, trick me, then completely destroy me?"She answers, "That's right. There are no rules in a dream. Free to do anything. Occasionally there are lost people who come into my dreams. But they suddenly escape. Because freedom is scary."Kanako accepts and come to terms with her lack of feelings, she gets no satisfaction from living and because that, she's disconnected from the world. Her mental forces her to cope, by seeing the world as a dream. She doesn't care what she does, who she hurts, in the pursuit to feel something, because this is all just a dream to her, there are no limits in a dream as there are no consequences either.As a teenager, it was like something within me had been locked for so long and overtime, as I got older, it started to unlock itself. The more souls that showed me genuine love, the more I feel this terrible side of me subside. If anything, I think I feel more than the average now, like it's all been pent up and it's finally burst. My cup that had been empty, now overflows, flowing and flowing and never stopping. Good and bad feelings, I welcome them both.But because of this movie, a small part of b3by was seen, has been documented in the form of a movie and therefore, an extension of b3by.Another reason why I love this film, is that they heavily reference Alice in Wonderland throughout the movie. (I'm sorry I'm writing so much, we could be here all day if I spoke all my thoughts, but I'll keep it simple and quick for you) But as many of you know, Alice in wonderland is a story I hold dear to my heart as there are many ways to interpret it and in most ways, I relate.
Kanako keeps a copy of Alice in Wonderland. She seems to identify with Alice too.
Kanako: "I'm lonely and I'm... falling."Side Note: Nana Komatsu, the girl that plays Kanako, is also one of my favourite models.
This film, from the actress, to the themes, to the Wonderland references, feels like it was all made for me.

Helter Skelter (2012)

Full Movie watch here - Helter Skelter

The plot is rather simple, following the fall-from-grace of a "top of the world" model called Lilico who achieved such grand success after undergoing a plethora of illegal plastic surgery. As her career peaks and she's in her most comfortable, her beauty begins to rot away, literally, and she's confronted with the hard truths of the modeling and idol industry of Japan and the world as a whole as she falls victim to her own dark desires and demons.There are 2 reasons why this movie is on this list.Reason one- The cinematography, the aesthetics. I knew from the first moment I saw Lilico’s room, that was my dream bedroom. If my environment was an extension of myself, it would look like this, a burlesque dollhouse with a tinge of sexuality and madness. If I could direct the cinematography of my life, Helter Skelter would be the foundation of it all.

Reason 2- Lilico's obsession with beauty and staying at the top, was a reality of mine during my very early 20s. I was in toxic relationship, emotionally abused and was pitted against other women. I was in constant competition, in a never ending rat race that didn't have a winner. I understand Lilico's obsession, madness and delusions, when it comes to maintaining her beauty and status. She is pitiful and tragic, with her envy, malice and manipulation, all a product of her environment. Watching Lilico was like watching my younger self.

Alice In Wonderland

'Alice in Wonderland',
is undoubtedly the foundation of b3by.
Whether it's the children's novel written by Lewis Carroll in 1865, or the 2010 movie adaption by Tim Burton, all adaptations of wonderland have unequivocally contributed to the making of who b3by is.And all versions of b3by, contain a small dose of Alice in her.

Dark Wonderland

One of my favourite versions of Wonderland is Dark Wonderland, with a central focus on madness, mental illness and abuse, however still incorporating core elements of wonder, nonsense and peculiar features.
Alice returns to Madness, my all time favourite game ever developed, embodies perfectly the Dark Wonderland archetype. (Another example would be 'Alice' by Christina Herny)But from the storyline, to the aesthetics, everything about this game is special to me. I like to think that perhaps, this is what my mind looks like, this is how vast it is.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I've always been fascinated with geishas and hold immense love for the oriental beauty.Memoirs Of A Geisha is a romance and drama film directed by Rob Marshall, based on the 1997 novel of the same name by Arthur Golden, which was also inspired by a real life woman named Mineko Iwasaki.
It's a controversial film to talk about, given that Mineko Iwasaki (The woman this story was based on) had her privacy rights violated by Arthur Golden when the book was published. Iwasaki spoke with Golden about the situation that he didn’t reveal her identity (Tegler, 2001). However, Golden dedicates the book to her, and Golden mentions her in interviews.Now that we've gotten those facts out of the way, let's dive into why this film is on the list.Reason 1 is the aesthetics. It's no surprise that this would be a reason for me. I've always had a love for the traditional Japanese aesthetic, from the Minka (traditional houses), to the Tatami and sliding doors. This film gives me all of that and more. The garments that the geisha and maiko wear, has made me conscious of ways to incorporate a modern version into my daily wear.

Examples

Bags made out of kimono patterns

Okobo

Hair pins

Reason number 2 for why this films on my list.The main character, Chiyo, is sold by her father to become a geisha. Chiyo is mistreated and surrouded by adults that don't have her best interest.
However after being shown kindness by a man, Chiyo decides that she must try to become a geisha so she can increase her standing in the world. She ends up training, then debuting under the name Sayuri and gains a reputation as a highly coveted geisha. She learns the importance of art and beauty and becomes the highest-earning geisha in the okiya.After watching this, I was heavily inspired to put a focus on learning different forms of art and social skills to increase my chances in life. As a geisha, you are to learn traditional Japanese performing arts styles, such as dance, music and singing, as well as being proficient conversationalists and hosts. As a shy, anxiety ridden kid, I wanted to be like Sayuri. I wanted to be captivating, in that subtle way that geishas are. I wanted to be walking art.

Sanctuary (2022)

Full Movie watch here -Sanctuary (2022)

This film takes place almost exclusively in a single set (hotel room), a chamber piece as they’re usually known, when a movie shoots the entire film in one set. Because of this, the movie heavily relies on captivating camerawork, soundtrack and the actors' talent and dialogue. I think this is another reason why many people didn't enjoy this film, to the simple-minded, it is a story about a wealthy, soon to be CEO named Hal, who pays a psychologically in tune dominatrices (Rebecca) to act out sexual fantasies.

This movie to me was about power dynamics, the turmoil of accepting who you really are and the transition of becoming who you've always wanted to be.In the real world, Hal's character has everything. He's got power, money, status and a multimillion dollar hotel business that he will be inheriting from his farther. However Hal is mentally weak, timid, constantly second guessing his capabilities. Because of his low self esteem and trauma, he is unable to make firm decisions, a significant trait needed to become a CEO.
He wishes to become strong willed and confident, to full-fill the expectations that have been placed on him upon becoming the new inherentor of his father's bussiness.On the flip side, Rebecca is not special in the real world. She is ordinary, middle class and doesn't wield any power whatsoever. However when she gets to act for Hal, becoming whatever sexual dominatric vixen he wants her to be in that moment, she is loud, eloquent, expressive, charismatic and powerfull. Everything she's always wanted to be. She knowingly takes advantage of their power dynamic, manipulating and controlling Hal to do what she wants.
In the mind game that they've created:
The wealthy and powerful Hal is reduced to a poor weak state of compliance, whilst
Rebecca the everyday normal woman, is akin to a goddess.The two don't belong in the real world alone. When they are outside this bubble that they've made, outside the hotel room, they hate who they are. But when they are together, it feels like they were made for each other, they can finally be who they want to be.

To be honest, I just really like this movie. The fact that it tells it's story with layers, where fantasy and reality are mixed. (You understand this as you watch the movie. The characters go in and out of their made up game without telling the audience that they're doing so.)

More writing to come....

Crawl back

Exhibitions

Platfrom Exhibition (16th of February 2024)

A quick re-cap of my thoughts through the process

I never knew how much work gets put into exhibiting. There were deadlines that needed to be met every week, from writing your own Artist Statement, to sending in photos of yourself for promotional post. I spent my own money printing my works, buying frames and paying for transportation for my work. I also never knew that the Artist had to PAY to exhibit their works. Why had that never occurred to me, I don't know. I guess I've never really thought about it. I had always assumed that the only thing the artist would pay for, was the material for their own work. So although money was leaving my pockets, this was such an eye opening process for me. I've learnt so much, from the process of it all, to the new found knowledge of my own limitations.

I want to thank everyone who took the time and effort to buy a ticket and travel all the way to the venue. Thank you to the people that shared on their stories. (I was surprised to see people from other countries promoting this event purely because my name was on the artist line up).Also so thankful for the organizers, market stall holders and other artists for making this event so vibrant and special. I know this wasn't a solo exhibition or anything but the amount of people that came to support me was more than I had ever expected.The feeling of having complete strangers engaged with my work, being curious about it and coming up to tell me they liked it, is a feeling that likes and comments on instagram could never amount to.

Witnesses of art

The Fitzroy Art Collective 2024

24th of May, 2024.
My second time exhibiting.
Funny enough, this time I didn't tell anyone. I didn't promote it on my story, I didn't tell anyone to come. I wanted to do this in secret to see if anyone would appreciate my work without knowing it was made by me.Doing a bit of reflecting I remember when I first exhibited my work with Platform, I had so many people come to see my art but there was a moment during the rush where I questioned if people actually liked my art or were they just supporting because of my online presence from my main account.However, this night was such a lovely and eye opening experience, to see people stand in front of this beloved piece of mine and discuss it with such intensity, to hear what they thought of it, what they think it means, as I stand behind them without them knowing, I felt more seen than I had ever felt before.

Unassigned Art Gallery. Pink exhibition
(14th of Feb 2025)

My 3rd group exhibition! I didn't think I would exhibit this soon starting my new year in 2025.
With the opening night being on Valantine's Day, the theme of the exhibition was 'PINK', celebrating love, femininity and pink!

I exhibited 3 works.
'Follow the white rabbit' 2024 (Top left)
'I'm the prize' 2024 (Top right)
'Safe space' 2024 (Bottom)2 out of the 3 exhibited, had been sold during the exhibition, which mind boggles me. Personally, I have never bought an artwork from an artist that was priced more than $100. I don't think I've come across an artwork that I thought I needed that much. So the fact that someone has resonated with my work, resonated with it enough to splurge, fills my heart with so much joy.

A full house !!

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Set Design

Although I'm no professional, set design has been a hobby of mine for years now.From the planning, to the physically curation, these sets have all been made with a humble budget.Here are my favourite sets I've made.

Muses

I think when I love, the people I love seep into me, little by little.I end up becoming a little bit of everyone I admire and thus,
I am my own muse.

Nana Komatsu

Nana Komatsu-
to me, is the most beautiful woman in this world.
One might say this is an exaggeration, for me this isn't the case.
I have always gravitated towards quiet beauty. Beauty that you might not have recognised at first glance but once you have, you can't
unsee it, can't stop thinking about it and it consumes you, in a slow poisonous way.My high school locker was essentially a shrine dedicated to 4 people (Nana, Kiko, IU and......last ones a secret)

I've always admired how versatile Nana is.
From femme fatale, to high fashion, to down to earth countryside girl, to masculine tom boy, Nana can do it all and better yet, do it well. She is a beauty standard for me that exceeds beyond modern beauty standards of instagram baddies, clean girl aesthetic and the exhausting ideal principle of the male gaze.Her beauty is quiet, she doesn't flaunt, doesn't take up space. In fact, she barely posts on instagram and her life is mostly private. She wears whatever she likes, even if it's outdated or not cool.
Her aura and charisma is enough, she doesn't need anything else to prove to the world that she's THAT girl. (and i mean it. I have never seen her brag or show off. Not even once has she posted a picture or video of a new materialistic item she purchased or shown off a vacation or trip that she's had)She exists for herself and that's what makes her so beautiful to me.

BangsNana’s signature look has been straight black bangs for years.In 2023, I went to the hair salon and I got myself bangs, unintentionally on the same day as Nana's birthday (February 16th). Growing up, my ethnic mother had given me bangs for most of my primary school life. In high school I felt that it was too childish so I had gotten rid of it, I grew it out.
Thinking back now, I think I’ve always liked the look of bangs, there's something so clean, sleek, elegant but also playful about them.

I used to hate my moles, so much so, I used to search up mole removing procedures in high school.
"There's too much of them, they take up too much space," is what I used to tell myself. I had a special hatred for the mole right between my eyes, just above my nose, slightly to the left. My eyes used to constantly zero in on it, always. It felt so large back then. I thought it made me look unflattering.
It wasn't until I discovered Nana Komatsu. Everyone admired her moles, it was ICONIC. It was mentioned by fans constantly. You couldn't come across a Nana fan art without her moles, because then, it didn't FEEL like Nana. And that's when I started thinking,
'Like Nana, there's a beautiful constellation on my face too'

I have 5 moles in total on my face. I tend to draw a fake 6th one under my right eye. Ever since I read Tomie by junji ito, I've been drawing it since. I feel like I have a small dose of Nana in me and a sprinkle of Tomie. I carry them with me through my moles.

Nana's moles.

Special mentions: My favourite Nana moments

Nana Komatsu stars in the 2016 movie "Drowning Love".
She plays the female lead named Natsume, who is a beautiful teen idol working in Tokyo. Natsume is forced to give up her dream and move to her father's small hometown to help run her grandfather's inn. There she meets a local boy and falls in love.

Giving you the link to the full movie BECAUSE U CANT SAY I DON'T PUT EFFORT INTO THIS WEBSITE !!

DROWNING LOVE 2016 FULL MOVIE

Nana Komatsu is also a Chanel House Ambassador (has been since 2015). She was named the face of Chanel's Fall/Winter 2023-2024 Ready-to-Wear collection, making her the first Japanese individual to be featured as the face of a luxury brand's collection.

Nana's debut movie 'The world of Kanako"

More writing of this movie.

Kiko Mizuhara

Audrie Kiko Daniel, mainly known as Kiko Mizuhara, is an American-born Japanese model and actress.Kiko is loud, electric, extraverted, free- spirited and sensual. Her beauty is fierce, not quiet at all and she has been a huge inspiration to me growing up.
Where as Nana's unique, unattainable aura was her main beauty, Kiko for me was beautiful because she was an artist, an artist in living. In the way she dresses, expresses herself, dives into many hobbies (creating a clothing brand, skincare line, scuba diving, singing etc) She inspires me to make life beautiful, to make myself beautiful, to try different hairstyles, nails, makeup and clothing, never limiting myself to one look.
Like Kiko, I am never limited in self expression.

Kiko and ART:
As a lover of art, music, movies and overall media, Kiko has shown us that she is well versed when it comes to niche, underground artists (Tho she has a hard time remembering their names). I have read interviews where she has expressed watching Indie movies that aren't well known, mentioning photographers or clothing brands that are very alternative or niche.
I too, have developed a habit of researching things. Always in search of finding art that resonates with me, art that other's don't know about. It feels more special this way, like a secret only I know of, like only I have the key to this portal and can enter whenever I want..

Araki Nobuyoshi's shoot with Kiko (Supreme 2016)

My two favourite Artists working together.
Kiko talks about her experience working with Araki. It's inspiring to read because Araki's work is the type of photography I'd like to emulate and only Kiko would be on the same wave length to experience the photoshoot like this. I want to be on both sides on this intimate coin.

"It’s different. Araki is so different to any other photographer I have ever worked with. He has his world, really sexual, and he will let me be his girlfriend at that moment. One time, I got really nervous, and, kind of like, high. It’s a complicated emotion. How to describe it, the feeling? It’s just really nervous and high, and when I finish, it feels like an orgasm. I actually cried when it was finished. I felt very, very happy, and a kind of full love. This is so rare. You never have this kind of experience. It’s like I’m living in the moment but in another world, like I live on another planet with him and I’m his girlfriend, but only in that moment. He’s not really doing anything but he just manages to give me this orgasm. When I finish shooting with him, I think about it for four, five hours after. I was in a fake orgasm for four hours. He’s really unwell and therefore, every time I shoot with him, I appreciate how lucky I am and I want to do my best for him." - KIKO

Nana & Kiko - When two worlds collide.

Nana and Kiko modelling for FREE MAGAZINE

IU

Let me tell you a secret.......
I have had literal dreams of IU in the past. There was a moment in time where I thought I had genuinely fallen in love with her. She was my lock- screen for all of high school, my wall paper on my. school laptop and my profile picture on facebook for more than 5 years.Lee Ji-eun, also known by her stage name IU, is a South Korean singer-songwriter and actress.I would say, she was my first real girl crush.

In 2025, IU released an Album called 'Chat-Shire', which incorporated a lot of themes inspired by Alice in Wonderland, especally in her song 'Twenty-three'.IU states "The title song ‘Twenty-three’ is inspired by the cheshire cat from ‘Alice in Wonderland’. When Alice gets lost, the cheshire cat appears in front of her and she asks, ‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’ to which the cheshire cat replies, ‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.’

This is probably my favourite concept for an album ever. The physical album was purple (At the time, my favourite colour was purple).
I saw all the Alice in Wonderland references and knew I had to buy the album. So i did and paid $30 for shipping even though I was a broke high schooler at the time.
Inside the album was a map, incorporating illustrations of wonderland and the tittle tracks. I was in awe. One of my favourite singers, with my favourite concept, and my favourite colour, with my lucky number 3 in the main title track. I felt like this was made for me. That this couldn't get any better.
But then I read the lyrics to the song and found myself staring in silence after the music video ended. It was like someone had taken a page of my diary and turned it into art, into a music video. I have never felt so seen, so heard.
I thought to myself "If I was a music video, it would be this"

Mayuri

This explanation y @the.thinking
Toyko's crush: Mayuri
The Brazilian-Japanses model is braking sterotypes by becomming popular in Mainstream commercials for Kie and Uniqlo.
Mayuri defies covention and redefines the japanese "sex symbol". She emboided the seductive yet endaring "girl next door", the neighbourhood beuty with a golden heart.

27/03/2025

Skill is not the goal.
Artistry is.

There's an interview by Charli xcx.
She states.

"Music is not important. Artistry is.
And some artists, don't have artistry.
For me, music alone is just not giving me the world.
I need an artist to create the world.
A great artist to me, is more than the songs.
It's the entire culture and space that they inhabit."

I apply this belief and theory towards all art forms I engage in, especially when it comes to photography.
I prioritise world- building and the vibe, over talent. You can take the cleanest, most well composed photo you want or have the best camera gear and equipment in the world, but if the picture has no story, no feeling, it's hard for people to get attached to your work.
It's hard for people to give a shit.
That's why I don't really care if the photos I take are blurry, messy, incomplete or the subject isn't centred. As long as the feeling I want to portray is there, then my goal is accomplished-
To grant the audience a glimpse into my world, into b3by's realm.

Another example: Lana Del Rey

"I'm a writer first and a singer second"

Believe it or not, in the early days of Lana's rise to fame, she wasn't received well by the public after performing her song live on TV for the first time. Critics claimed she couldn't sing, that her voice was horrible. I do admit, looking back on the videos, her vocal technique was different and unrefined at the time, however they were RAW and her story telling was astonishing.After the backlash for her poor vocals, she explains in an interview that she is a writer first and a singer second. She has consistently emphasised her passion and skill for songwriting, for being a poet. And I think this is what makes her fans so immersed in her songs, so obsessed that they've developed it into a culture, an aesthetic, even a personality (if you know you know).
And the core of this obsession comes down to the story telling, the world- building, the ability to convey emotions and have a niche audience relate.

Starting my journey as a photographer back in 2021, I've always intuitively related to Lana's way of thinking.

I am an artist first and a photographer second.

During my first year of photography, I was embarrassed and ashamed to call myself a "photographer".
I felt like I didn't deserve the title as I had no real knowledge of camera gear and I wasn't able to differentiate the difference between lenses. My pictures were grainy, wonky, with some photos down right out of focus.
I didn't know how to change the settings on my camera for the longest time (I still kinda don't) and every time I attended a photowalk in Melbourne, I was met with middle aged men with colossal sized camera backpacks (all shades of black or grey), mansplaining me photography knowledge.2 years into photography and even after I started to get paid work, I was vexed,
for some reason I still couldn't identify with the word "photographer".
It was only then that I realised,

that I was an ARTIST, using photography as a MEDIUM to express myself.

I consider myself first and foremost, a creative, someone who has the ideas, the world already prominent and vibrant in their mind.
Back then, when I needed an art medium to express myself, at the time I had chosen photography, despite my lack of technical skills. Now when I create,
I have the thought branded into the back of my mind whenever I feel inadequate.

Skill is not the goal, artistry is.

A collection of thoughts

Skill is not the goal, artistry is.

Something rotten in me

Embrace the rotten

28/08/2025

I’ve been thinking, that maybe the reason why I’m so sweet to others and so full of life is because I co-exist with something rotten festering within me.

Terrible thoughts, terrible feelings, a sickening perception of myself, that I know is untrue.
But knowing and feeling are two different things.
And the funny thing about that, is that one can know something by fact and simultaneously not believe it.

Like the way I walk down the street and strangers will compliment me.“You’re so pretty”“I love your hair”“Where did u get that dress? It looks so good on you”They open doors for me.
Standing in line, the person in front of me will pay for my matcha.
And despite all that, I want to claw at my face.

All evidence points to a fact, the way that all evidence points to notion that the world is round.
And yet, there are the few flat earth thinkers. Where no matter how much evidence gets shoved down their delusional throats, they walk into a room, confidently, unflinchingly and they say, “The earth is flat”.I feel like that sometimes, like a flat earth thinker.
My reality that I experience externally, does not match my internal thoughts. Ungrateful, one might say.

Maybe.

Because I have it good now. What’s there to complain?
I know I’m blessed.
My life is beautiful, by fact and feeling. You can’t ignore it, you can’t not believe it, my life’s a movie, cinematic, one of a kind, beautiful and that is truth.But the rotten hasn’t gone away.
Every smile is accompanied by a lingering feeling of melancholy.
Every “I love you”, is not believed entirely.
Every accomplishment is followed by not enough.

joy and sadness
love and hatred
the beauty, the ugly

Every beautiful thing in my life is tainted by dark feelings.
I used to fight it, ignore it, keep it in a chest with a key and lock because why was I not able to enjoy the fruits of life with only feelings of goodness?However realising my efforts were futile, I gave up and accepted it.
Embraced the rotten.
Cradled it like a baby till it wasn’t a monster but an old friend.

And maybe that’s why I love so hard,
I see so much wonder and I’m so full of life.Because to get to where I am, you need contrast.
If you’ve never experienced hell, how will you know when you’ve reached the doors to heaven ?
The feeling of happiness can only be felt by the absence of sadness.

I know kindness because of the hatred in me.
I know joy because of the sadness in me.
I know beauty because of the ugly in me.I no longer coexist with this rotten monster.
I coexist with my rotten friend. And together, I experience the world in all of it's wholeness.

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Hair: Black
Eyes: dark brown
Height: 163cm

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“You are otherworldly and I hate you for that.”

14/09/2025

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?

Stage 1: idolisation
I’m a concept, an otherworldly entity that exists only for you. I am not human, not because I’m not but because you won’t let me be. I have no flaws, I can do no wrong. You don’t see the bad, blinded by my very own light, cast upon you against my will.

Stage 2: CapturedHow selfish, to tie me to you with the intention of never letting me fly. Am I no longer that idolised version you desire? Do you realise now, I’m just girl?

Feathers stained red, scatter across the rocks.
The ocean is angry, the waves stronger as the tide seems restless. Her wings drip with blood. She is no longer a source of light to him. Her white hair turns black, her glow is gone.
Either pain has made her human or she was human all along, he just couldn’t see it.“What have u done?”Stage 3: Discarded

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